Tuesday, October 21, 2014


Let me tell you a little about my man.

He is strong.

He is good.

He is the love of my life.

What does that have to do with hallucinations? Nothing. Well, not exactly.
We just celebrated our anniversary and I wanted to say it.:)

Little did he know, 16 years ago, when he married me, what he was getting into. I know I'm not the only one who experiences this, but still ... I'm sure it must be scary.

I wake him up often with a deafening scream.

I see things. And I believe that it's real. With all my heart.

Until I wake up. Then I feel like an idiot.

I've done this for as long as I can remember. My poor mama. I'm sure I scared the daylights out of her too.

I see things falling, or huge spiders crawling on the ceiling. Once a man was coming through my window and I kicked at him ... I literally FELT my legs pushing against him.

It didn't take long before Rocky started telling me to lay down and go back to sleep.

Sometimes I get mad, because he doesn't believe me, until I realize I'm asleep. Sometimes he doesn't even remember it. It's a good thing it doesn't scare him. If he was the one screaming in the middle of the night ... I promise you, I would never go back to sleep.

My doctor prescribed a muscle relaxer to put my neck to sleep that would possibly help with the migraines. I only took it at bedtime. My night terrors, nightmares, dreams ... whatever you want to call them changed.

What I saw were demon type, black, ghostly like figures. The images would sometimes move really fast. The movie "Bridge to Terabithia" has an image of the boy's dad in the woods, and this is a very close likeness of what I was seeing. If you haven't seen it, do. It's a great movie. But have a box of tissues.

I almost thought I had a handle on it, at first. I would start seeing them before I fell asleep. I even once or twice reached out to touch the image. My hand went right through it, of course. I told myself, this isn't real.

It happened every night.

Then, one night, there were three of these demon like creatures on my bed and they were after me. I woke up on the floor, Rocky's arms wrapped around me.

According to him, I screamed longer and louder than I ever had. He grabbed me, but I didn't see him. I only saw them. I jerked away from him while slinging my hands all at the same time. He let me go and I threw myself off the bed. It scared him because I didn't recognize him when he tried to wake me up.

My hallucinations always came in doubles ... I ALWAYS saw the same thing twice on this medicine. It was hours before either of us were brave enough to close our eyes. But before we did, I promised him I would never take the medicine again. Because a very real thought occurred to me ... What if I got stuck in a hallucination? I never wanted to experience that again.

They stopped, at least those particular visions, once I discontinued the medicine. I don't know if I'll ever be free from my night tremors ... but nothing these days are quite as bad :)

Have you experienced anything similar? I'd love to hear your story.

Thanks for stopping by,

Cindy :)

photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/huffstutterrobertl/4693753524/">roberthuffstutter</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Is anyone out there?

Is anyone out there? I've wondered this from the beginning. There has to be someone who knows the solution. And there's nothing else I can do but continue to search.

You see, I'm a writer. And that's the only reason I'm here.

One of the hardest parts of chronic migraines is being unable to read or write. I was in the habit of  reading and writing everyday. But the writing, editing, and critiquing all came to a dead stop.

Months went by and things weren't any better. I would watch people moving normally, doing things I'd always done, and knew I could no longer do any of them. I found myself slipping into depression.

Why was this happening? What's happening? I asked myself over and over. Through it all, I kept pushing forward. I still home schooled, cooked, cleaned, attended church, put on children's drama programs, spent countless weekends on the ball field, and put on a smile. Only my closest family and friends knew about my headaches. 

No matter how bad I felt, I couldn't lie in bed while life went on all around me. Sometimes I wondered if I would feel better if I did take a break. I mean, a real break. But I never did, unless I just couldn't function because of the dizziness.

I have also lost some vision in my left eye. It's ironic since the headache is primarily on the left side of my head. Ophthalmologist found nothing wrong. Neurologist wasn't concerned. But should I be?

Either way, I had to do something different.

When a friend of my husbands, whose wife has had migraines for over 20 years went to this doctor and figured out the reason why, he treated her and she walked away after a couple of visits and has had no headaches since.

Don't you know I made me an appointment for as soon as possible. 

It still took me over a month to get in. But I believed with all my heart ... this doctor was going to help me.

The appointment couldn't get here fast enough. But finally, the day came and Rocky and I were on our way to get some answers ... to get some relief.

Relief hasn't found it's way into my life yet. But, that's all right, because I will find it eventually. I will!! Like the season is changing, so will mine. And no matter what happens, I'm going to enjoy this time I've been given.

There's a reason why this is happening. God is going to use this for good. I told a friend this week, maybe he's preparing me for what it'll feel like to be old.

Maybe, my life is in reverse and I'll feel really good when I'm old. :)

Have a wonderful day,

Cindy :)